CWW Week 11 - Forgiveness - Day 3

Forgiveness

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-22 [NKJV]

“Then Peter came to Him and said. ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me , and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’

Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’”

When you think of the face of God, do you struggle not to see the face of your earthly father, your Dad?

The notion of the Creator of the universe being your Father is abhorrent for many because of a toxic relationship they had with an over-bearing or cruel father. There is no doubt that the course of our destiny is set when under the influence of our earthly parents.

In extreme cases, and there are many, we drag the rotting corpse of our relationship with toxic parents around as we project the pain of the experience through all our other relationships. The stench infects the climate we live in and this becomes intolerable for those who want a healthy relationship with us.

It can lead to addiction, anxiety and depression and the total loss of direction. From those first moments of abuse often our destiny is snuffed out.

Barry, not his real name, had travelled across a continent with his wife to spend a weekend with Michelle and I. We have conducted marriage revival weekends for individual couples since 2008.

He was in his mid fifties and displayed all the signs of a classic narcissist. He called me the week before they departed to tell me all the things that were wrong with his wife. Those things about her that he wanted Michelle and I to focus on. I could see then who had the problem.

When they arrived to spend the weekend with us, we showed them their accomodation and told them that dinner would be served at 6pm.

Barry was a big man with a beard he had cultivated all of his adult life and an attitude that was evident the minute he arrived. His wife, lets call her Sue, not her real name, was short and round shouldered and she struggled to look up when spoken to.

As they walked into our kitchen for dinner Michelle asked them how many kids they had. As she went to answer he spoke over the top of her. “We have one daughter and two disappointments” he replied as she frowned and looked at the floor. We knew we were going to have a time on our hands.

Every question we asked over dinner he answered. Even when we specifically asked her. Normally there is an argument at the table on the first night and we can see where the issues are before starting the process.

Our programs normally start on the Friday evening at dinner and finish on Sunday at noon. We stay with our couple until we get a break through which usually happens by Saturday afternoon.

Try as we may, by late Saturday night we still had not broken through. In desperation, as they argued again, we prayed out loud for God to give us strength and the words that would break through the wall of their collective pain.

As they took a breath, I was prompted to ask him a question I had never asked anyone before. “What’s the worst thing you have ever done to your wife?” I asked him. He looked at the three of us with a sly grin. “I reckon I am in a safe place. Why not?” He then told us that after an argument with her before bed one night and while she was snoring he did something to get even with her that is too disgusting to repeat in a devotional. We, all three were mortified and Sue sat there, her mouth gaping in horror at what he had confessed to doing to her. He was almost laughing as he saw our expressions. “Well you did ask.”

My instant reaction was to lash out at him. As unprofessional as that was it just blurted out of me. “Your a dog.” He immediately bristled and stood to walk towards me. I sat there waiting for him to throw a punch. I then yelled at him, “Sit down and listen to me before you do anything stupid.” He sat seething with anger as I started. “Heres the thing Barry; your a dog and I know because I am not perfect either. But you are a dog and whats more you know you’re a dog and you don’t like it do you?”

He slumped as I continued. “If you died tonight and your funeral was next week this is what it would look like. Your wife would be sitting in an almost empty chapel crying surrounded by her friends telling her that she was free now. There might be a few work colleagues there and your sons would be at the pub getting drunk celebrating that you are no longer around to infect their lives.” He stared at the floor as I went on. “But if you get it right this weekend and you die in three years, let me tell you what that funeral would be like. The church would be packed, your wife would be grieving the loss of a man she always wanted after 35 years of marriage and your sons would stand in suits to give a glowing eulogy about a man who turned his life from shame to glory.”

He looked at me wet faced. “Which funeral do you want Barry?” ‘The second one.” he replied. “ Well what are you going to do get it?” I concluded. He was crushed by the weight of the truth about him. It was midnight and there was no where to go from there for now.

They left us to go to bed.

The next morning they walked in for breakfast. They were both smiling. Holding hands as they entered the kitchen, something had changed and he looked different. “Where’s your beard Barry?”

Sue looked at him and was allowed to answer for once. She went on to say that she had never seen him clean shaven in 35 years of marriage. She awoke an hour before to find Barry kneeling beside the bed looking at her. She noticed his beard had gone. “What happened to your beard Barry?” she asked. “I got up at two thirty and shaved it off” he replied. “Why?” she asked. His reply was staggering. “ I don’t ever want you to wake up and see that face ever again.” he said.

They have rebuilt the marriage in small steps and he has restored the relationships with his sons. They all now holiday together. Later that morning as we sat to wrap it up, I asked him about his father. He got very angry as he told the story of the daily beatings at the hand of his dad. “I hate the man.” he said.

I asked him what he knew of his fathers past. He replied that his Dad had served in the Korean War and had seen unspeakable atrocities. His mum said that the war had changed his dad from the life of the party to an angry and brooding man.

I asked Barry how he might have gone living his fathers experience. He sat there for a few moments as he puddled up with tears. He looked at me and said, “ I would have probably made a bigger mess of it than he did.” I asked him the big question then. “Is it time you forgave your Dad Barry?” It hit him like a truck. God had given us the breakthrough we prayed for and Barrys’ life has completely turned around. The climate of his very existence has changed and so has that of the rest of his family.

As Jesus said in the scripture. You may have to forgive them multiple times as memories come and fade, as conversations with them, if they are still alive, don’t go the way of your gilded expectations. You can find the strength to forgive seventy times seven if you ‘let go and let God.’

That’s the power that awaits us all as we hand it over to Him.

Questions

1. Is it time you forgave your parents or your father?
2. Do you think this may change the climate of your life and can you recognise that a lack of forgiveness has caused you problems in your other relationships?
3. Are you today wiling to wipe the face of your father off the face of God and see the beauty of a fresh revitalising relationship with your Heavenly Dad?

Prayer

Dear Lord, Papa God.

Thank you Father for being my Dad. Thank you that you have never been absent and always care. Thank you that, in Your Son Jesus, I have a friend who will lead me to You and to forgive my parents who did not know better. Papa God thank you for your amazing Grace and mercy and please I pray, lead me in my journey to forgive my parents and heal my relationships I ask in the the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

Graham Hood